It's an Evening of PJs and Cozy Warm Blankets

Photo: Rozalind MacPhail

Yup, me in my PJs...Hanging out in my room on a Friday night instead of going to concerts and partying...A nice change from the norm! : )

Hey Friends!

So it's Friday night and I should be at the Rolston Recital Hall listening to a classical concert right now with the rest of the Banff Centre musicians but hey, I'm tired and feel like taking the night off. I'm calling it a lazy night and I'm going to stay in my residence, chill out, wear my flannel pjs (already on), watch some crappy television...It's a nice change.

I haven't written a journal entry in here for a long while so I thought I would give an update on all that's been going on. Sure, I've been posting lyrics and pics but I thought it would be nice to write a bit about what I've actually been thinking about and experiencing lately, kind of like what I write about in my personal journal...So here it goes...

I've been thinking lots about everything I have been learning since I arrived in Banff two short months ago. As with every other time I've been in Banff, I feel like a different person. A new me has emerged.

Three years ago, I remember telling my ex boyfriend all about that "life changing experience" that one goes through while being here. He didn't believe me and made me feel pretty stupid for sharing my thoughts with him. He said that when I came back home, he hadn't seen any change in me and that I was imagining it. I found that very hard to believe. It totally threw me for a loop as I felt like a totally different person and just didn't understand how he couldn't see all the beautiful changes that happened in me while I was away. People who have never been here just don't understand the immense personal growth that one experiences while being in such an intense program like this one. Funny, the same guy who couldn't see all the change that I had gone through also couldn't remain in a relationship with me once I had returned from Banff. He ended up breaking up with me the day before I returned home over the phone! It seems as if Banff is a place that either brings people together more or ends things in a very dramatic way. I've always noticed that about this place.

So talking about changes, I have been through many. I remember when I first got to Banff at the beginning of January, I was so stressed out. Call it the Christmas blues, the fast pace of being in a big city like Toronto or the fact that I packed and moved all my stuff into storage. Whatever it was, it was eating away at me and I was no longer able to enjoy all the beautiful things that surrounded me. I felt depressed, physically sick and just not in a good place in my life. That changed a few weeks into my Banff residency and now I seem to be a far more relaxed and happy individual with great excitement for my future. I have brought the joy back into my life which I was missing just before I came out here. I really like the laid back atmosphere which is such a big part of the Western Canadian culture and I adore the people. It is a far healthier lifestyle around here, that's for sure and I find the people to be far more open-minded.

With only three weeks left of my program here, I am now facing a different set of exciting challenges. I will be touring as an opener for two different singer-songwriters: Melwood Cutlery and Johnny Eden. Both tours are taking place in April and May and will take us through Alberta and British Columbia. Since I have done most of the booking and tour planning on my own, it has taken a huge amount of energy and has been an intense process of figuring out how it all works. What a great learning experience though. It feels so good to be able to book my own tours now and to take control of my future. No more depending on others for my livelihood. I am also excited about the idea of performing my own music for so many different people and in so many different places. I think the touring lifestyle was created for people like me who want to connect with others through their music and want to see the world.

With that being said, there are also ugly things about the touring lifestyle which I am learning lots about during my stay in "transitory" Banff. A dear friend of mine, Josh and I were talking on the phone earlier this evening (great inspiring chat BTW) about the touring lifestyle and how it's sometimes so lonely and a great challenge in regards to relationships. It's true. I often find myself spending many nights alone, when I wish I could be sharing special moments with someone I care about. But I guess with everything good comes some sacrifice. I am learning that there are many others just like me who wish to build a relationship yet cannot because of their difficult musician lifestyle that so many people find so unattractive...and I wonder...Should us musicians go for that "safe" person who has the day job and doesn't have this crazy lifestyle of ours or do we go for the person who is travelling and seeing the world just as much as us? Or do we put it all on hold and just observe for a while, to let time tell us what's right? I think for where I'm at right now that I'd like time to tell me what will happen in regards to my relationships. I'm in no rush and it's really nice to be developing special friendships with people I care about over the long term. I think the most happy couples in the long term are always the ones who develop their relationships from their beautiful friendships so I'm willing to give it a shot and be patient. With this being said, catch me on a day where I am feeling really lonely and I'll complain about why I hate being stuck in this situation... : ) Just like the weather in the mountains, wait a few minutes and I may feel totally different about all of this!

Now back to what's been going on...I have been writing a lot of new material and really growing as a performer. Most of what has been coming out is from personal experiences that I have been going through while I've been here. I thought that I would be reflecting more about my past but only a few songs were actually focused on matters from the past, and most of them were things that I really needed to get out. The real doozy that I had been working on for so long (Everything Changed in Just One Night) is now out of my system and I'm looking forward to writing more about what makes me love life and what I'm experiencing during the present moment. The thing I really love about songwriting is the fact that it enables me to keep a musical journal. It is far more personal than just sharing my thoughts through words and I really love experiencing all the growth that comes from developing a new craft. Sure, with all that being said, it has been a very humbling experience but as with everything, there are good and bad days and I can feel that my songwriting is improving.

And then there are the true signs of growth as a performer, like how I can use my looping pedal so much better in live performance and how I am feeling more confident singing! I have created lots of new song arrangements on my looping pedal and feel like I am really starting to create my own sound. And the audience is noticing the change as well...I performed at Props Pub last night, a much longer set than usual (11 songs) and kept the attention of my audience so much better. There were the obvious things that show that I am getting better at what I do as well, like how a bunch of different strangers approached me to congratulate me on a beautiful performance, to ask how they could purchase a CD or to sign my email mailing list.

And then the biggest compliment of the evening was at the very end when the bartender went on about how she sees amazing things in my future and how she loves my CD, even playing it when she's cleaning her house. When I complained to her about the fact that I am totally broke and only have $2 left in my bank account, she said, "Rozalind, don't even question itas you're on the right path. You're doing amazing. Just keep at it. Money is only money and it will come. What matters is that you're doing what you love and you're making people happy by sharing it." Do you know how many times people have said the same thing to me lately? And these are people from all different backgrounds, from music professors, professional musicians, to administrators and other business professionals and more. It's hard to have faith in our abilities sometimes, especially when we're so broke but I am going to try to keep the faith going and to believe that there are great things coming my way.

Yes, it seems like the big growth this time around has been personally and through observing my relationships with others. I have been learning so much about how I need to truly believe in myself in order to attract others to what I do. I have also learned that I must be true to myself and true to others. I must have faith that all will work out and through all that, if I am able to speak from my heart always, I will find the path that is meant for me. I can't wait to see what I learn next...

So there's a bit of personal sharing for y'all.

Have a great weekend everyone... : )

Love Rozalind